PRE-FALL HEARTS

 "God never intended death at all before the fall, our hearts were never designed to handle it, so I don't think there's any age at which loss becomes sensical. Of course, the hope of Heaven makes it easier for Christians, and the natural world teaches us that death is a normal part of life. But death is only a normal part of fallen life - and our hearts are still pre-fall 1.0 designs without the software upgrade to process death." - Me

I'm realizing I never really processed the loss of my dad and being his caretaker during the last two months of his life...

My dad refused hospitalization, and initially vehemently refused hospice care. It was only the last couple of weeks he allowed a hospice worker to come to provide basic oral pain meds like morphine, which I administered to him, or my mom. 

This was a bad decision on his part but we obviously respected his wishes at the time, without anticipating the emotional repercussions of witnessing a dying process that was very inadequately supported by modern medicine (his choice, perhaps an attempt at strength in the face of impossible weakness). Those last few weeks were grueling, ugly, dehumanizing, and brutal - nothing like the peaceful cancer death we see in movies. Not even close. 

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